I’m a hazard to myself.

“Michael Jackson fans are a strange breed. One would be hard pressed to find another fan community whose object of admiration is the subject of so much unnecessary condemnation. Over time, Michael Jackson enthusiasts have watched their beloved’s seemingly global idolization transform into apparent worldwide mischaracterization and mistreatment by the press and public alike. Yet, through it all, true Michael Jackson fans have not abandoned him. If anything, the harder Michael’s opponents try to shove him to the depths of despair, the harder his devotees love him, if only for summoning the courage to persist in the midst of it all. Michael’s continued endurance is an exercise in strength and resilience in the face of adversity and uncertainty. Michael’s fans have learned well the lesson, as they steadfastly brave the almost daily emotional roller coaster ride that is a requisite experience of every Jackson supporter. They marvel at his seemingly inexhaustible talents and applaud his victories. They laugh with him in his happiness; weep with him in his sorrow and pray for him in troubled times. Their hearts are warmed when he is embraced, and bleed when he is ill-treated. Despite the stratospheric highs and seemingly cavernous lows that come with being a Michael Jackson fan, they remain loyal. They, like Michael, refuse to allow naysayers to steal their joy, obstruct their way or shape their opinions. They, like Michael, refuse to have their destiny defined or dictated by another. They also refuse to stand idly by as others attempt to deny Michael his rightfully earned legacy. Simply, Michael Jackson’s fans are just like Michael in that they will not be deterred. By nature of their calling, Michael’s fans are constantly summoned to put on the full Armour, stand on the front lines and fight. Oftentimes with their pen as their sword, they fight alongside and for Michael’s right of humanity. By so doing, they fight for tolerance over prejudice, unconditional love over criticism; wisdom over ignorance and justice over inequality - not only for Michael, but for themselves as well. The battles are never-ending, hard-fought and oftentimes mentally and physically exhausting. Still, rather than surrender or reconcile, Michael’s fans resist. They resist the desire to abandon Michael when all seems lost. They forsake the notion that theirs is a lost cause. They refuse to throw in the towel and resign themselves to the path of least resistance, which so often involves renouncing their fan support of Michael. When the going gets tough, with weary minds and heavy hearts, they press on. They press on through Michael’s tribulations and the attacks to which he is subjected. They press on in spite of tire. They press on despite mockery and question as to why they bother fight at all for Michael Jackson, a man some deem undeserving of their adoration. Hazrat Inayat Khan once said, “God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open”. Michael’s devotees can see him as living proof of this idea, as he seems to be the embodiment of the notion. His own heart has been broken much and his fans personally feel the sting of each break. By the grace of God, Michael’s heart does not become hardened as a result of its frequent fractures. To the contrary, his shattered heart allows for its tenderness and openness. Since out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks, Michael’s fans are able to truly see the fullness of his heart when they listen to him articulate his desire for acceptance, understanding, positivism, love and peace through song and speech. As their efforts to break Jackson himself have continually proven unsuccessful, some Michael Jackson opponents have turned their focus to attempting to disband the fan community by attacking his defenders. Time after time, the press uses condescending, defamatory terms to describe Michael’s fans. Being referred to as “delusional” and “*****” is not foreign to Jackson’s supporters. However, Michael’s devotees choose to ignore the juvenile name-calling and taglines bestowed on them by the media. The fans refuse to allow the press to project its negative, inaccurate perception onto them. This is because Michael Jackson fans realize that such inflammatory terms do not depict their true nature as intelligent, grounded individuals with a healthy admiration for Michael’s music, vision and humanitarianism among other things. Interestingly enough, Michael Jackson’s influence is global and thus, so is his fan base. His detractors are under the false impression that his fan base is minuscule as well as one-dimensional. To the contrary, Michael Jackson enthusiasts are nothing if not vast and multi-dimensional. They can be found on every continent, in every country worldwide. Michael’s fans transcend racial, age and socioeconomic boundaries. The fact that Michael’s fans are so diverse adds to their beauty. Few entertainers, if any, can lay claim to having the type of dynamic and varied fan base of which Michael Jackson can boast. If it is true our lives are open books for others to read, then the fans’ study of Michael Jackson has taught them more than they ever could have imagined they would learn about life, love and survival. Michael Jackson is a living testament of the notion that whatever one dreams and desires for his or her life can be achieved. Michael lives by the mantra that love should have no limitations -no conditions. Michael has shown all who dare take notice that it is possible to not only stay alive, but to thrive, with grace and fortitude despite adversity. By merely existing, Michael Jackson has taught his fans what it is to dream without fear, to create without boundaries, to listen without prejudice and to love without judgment. Simply, Michael Jackson’s fans are a hard act to outshine. Their loyalty, enthusiasm, intelligence and genuine adoration of their musical idol is unparalleled by other artists’ fan communities. However, for all their attributes, when it comes to one particular matter, Michael Jackson’s admiring fans will always be bested. For try as they might, no matter to what infinite degree they say and believe they love Michael Jackson, the King of Pop in true regal fashion, will always say and prove he loves them more … ” - written by Fantam

I wish I remembered what It felt like to have you here. And I wish I didn’t take all those years for granted.

I wish I could still want more than anything to meet you and have it actually be a reality (even a small reality at that).

I wish I would have seen your inner beauty rather than strictly musical genius before June 25th.

I wish I could see you smile. Live.

I wish I could hear you say I love youuuuuu or I love you more.

I wish I could hear your laugh.

I wish everyone could see the real you.

I wish you weren’t wrongly portrayed to the general public.

I wish everyone could feel the fans’ pain. Maybe they’d think twice about called us weird.

I wish you would have never met Conrad Murray.

I wish Conrad Murray would have never become a doctor.

I wish Propofol was never produced.

I wish Gavin Arvizo and Jordan Chandler would own up to their lies.

I wish I could have just had 5 minutes with you.

I wish I could hug you and never let you go.

I wish you could have met more people who were trustworthy.

I wish you could have found the love of your life. You deserve it.

I wish more people would listen to you. Heal the world.

I wish everyone in the world loved you. I truly believe this world would be better.

I wish you hoaxed your death.

I wish people would quit telling jokes about you.

I wish people would learn about vitiligo.

I wish you were here.

You really are too beautiful for this world crowded with ugly people.

If I used visual to describe the magnitude in which I miss you, this wouldn’t even be strong enough.

Call me crazy, call me stupid, I don’t care. I haven’t eaten a single thing since Sunday. I also will not get a wink of sleep today, June 25th. Its really weird because I’m actually at a loss of words. My heart was ripped out of my chest on June 25th, 2009 and I’m pretty positive it’s still there. I feel really strong chest pains right now, in the area of my heart. Actual heart break.

excuse me while i cry

My friend Jessica has level 3 kidney disease and is on the verge of becoming level 4, which is where she starts preparing for dialysis/transplant. She doesn’t have the insurance to get the care she needs. This is extremely upsetting to me. I’ve never “met” her, but she’s been as good of a friend that I could imagine. I’ve told her things I’ve never told anyone else. I want to donate a kidney to her, but honestly I’m scared to death. =/

Here it is. The month that I’ve been dreading. The month that I left my heart in last year. The month in which the most painful event of my life occurred in. 5 years ago, on June 13, 2005, us fans were finally looking up. 4 years later, on June 25, 2009, our worlds were crushed. It really is crazy how one event can change you. Its even more crazier that someone whom I’ve never met, changed my entire outlook on life. I will never forget the feeling I felt in that exact moment when I found out that one of the people I admire most, Michael Jackson, was gone. I remember literally feeling like my head was spinning and I just got really lightheaded. My mind could not, and still can’t, comprehend those 4 words. “Cassie, Michael Jackson died.” Still, when I see RIP Michael Jackson, I get confused. It doesn’t seem right. He CAN’T be dead. It’s just not possible. Is it? It seems like just yesterday I was watching the celebration of Michael Jackson, the 30 Year Celebration of Michael Jackson’s solo career. It seems like just yesterday that we were watching Michael go through the pain of his child molestation trial and then see him relieved of those pressures. It seems like I was just able to wonder where Michael was and what he was doing. Now I sit here and I feel guilty that I didn’t love him MORE during those times. I would do ANYTHING to see him smile again, to hear him say “I love youuuuu” and then “I love you more”. Anything to see him pose for a picture while flashing a peace sign. Anything to see him wearing one of those surgical masks. People don’t understand our pain unless they have walked 2 miles in the shoes of one of us fans. If you’ve never loved someone as much as you can love someone without knowing them and then experienced the pain of their loss, don’t you dare tell us to get over it. You simply do not understand. To US Michael Jackson is more than the man that made the moonwalker huge. He’s more than Billie Jean’s non-lover. He’s more than a Thriller. And he certainly isn’t some ‘wacko’. I’ve never seen Michael Jackson even in the flesh, but I truly feel like I’ve known him my entire life. I have a lifetime’s worth of memories ‘with’ him. Don’t try to understand because if you have to TRY, you will never understand. I still remember a week after June 25th, someone on Facebook posted something like: “I don’t get why people are upset over Michael Jackson dying. He’s just another celebrity. Get over it people”. Just because he’s “just another celebrity” to some, doesn’t mean he means a world more to others. The past few years have been hard emotionally for me. Few people know the reasons for this. Only one “consoled” me through it. Michael Jackson. I was obsessed with the song “Stranger In Moscow.” No one knows, but it was my ‘alright I’m sad, I need to feel like someone understands’ type of song. I cried my eyes out to that song many many times after something else would happen. Strangely, the song made me feel better, because I felt that the singer, Michael Jackson, shared my feelings. The sad thing is, Stranger In Moscow was the only ‘friend’ I allowed in during those hard times. Now the man who created that backbone for me is gone? And people have the audacity to straight out tell me to get over it or move on? Don’t tell me “he’s dead” around me either. Those words are still like daggers to me. For real. I understand Michael Jackson may not mean anything to you, but PLEASE be courteous to those of us he does mean the world to. Why call him a child molester? If you’re intelligent you truly know he’s not. Please stop the hate. Please. It’s hard enough to deal with this pain already.

I feel.

Something snapped inside of me last night. I feel different.